“Holy shit, ‘Finders Keepers’ has hit thirty three in the charts,” Matt shouted for the whole bus to hear. I opened my eyes slightly, blinking a few times to gain focus. I shifted my head forwards to see down the aisle from my bunk. Matt was standing down the front, facing us, reading off his phone.

“Bloody hell,” Chris replied from underneath me. I grinned.

“Fuck that’s awesome,” I said in a groggy voice, coughing to clear it. We’d done it. This was our first single in the Official Top 40! “That’s fucking insane!”

“Yeah it’s fucking amazing,” Josh grunted sourly into his pillow. I glanced across to him, he was opposite mine, he was scowling at the floor. He realised I was watching him and buried his head into his pillow and turning away from me. I looked down and saw Dan glaring at the bunk above him. There was a moment and then he suddenly jumped up.

“Yeah it is fucking amazing,” he snapped. “We’ve been working so fucking hard towards this and you don’t give a shit?”

Josh remained where he was.

“Some of us wanted to be in a band Josh, not use it to bitch about an ex, some of us are aiming towards something. Stop writing about her if you can’t take the response the songs are getting.” I hadn’t seen Dan this angry in a while. He’d tried shouting at Josh before to little effect. This seemed to have finally touched Josh, he rolled over, jumped out of his bunk and violently pushed past our drummer, heading for the door.

We must have hit Salt Lake City while I was asleep because he bounded out into bright sunlight. There was a silence at his departure.

“It needs to be said,” Matt murmured to Dan more than us. I was slightly annoyed.

I jumped down from my own bunk.

“Have you two ever had a relationship like his?” I asked calmly as I could. “Do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love?”

Dan and Matt exchanged a look.

“Don’t judge him until you know how he’s feeling,” I whispered.

“But we’re getting pretty sick of his attitude. It’s almost been 5 months Max, he needs to suck it up at some point,” Matt retaliated.

“He will,” I said firmly. I’d known Josh the longest on this bus. Yes, he was a bit of a drama queen but I don’t think everyone else understood how he felt about her. They weren’t the ones he’d talked to about their arguments, his problems, how much he loved her…

I looked at them both before heading out the door after my oldest friend.

I found him sat on a wall, twisting his pass between his fingers, squinting down at the ground. He had that look in his eyes again, the dull look like he wasn’t really looking at what was before him. At least this was an improvement. The weeks after they’d broken up he’d been smashed every night until we’d managed to coax him out of him, convincing him that he couldn’t keep this up. It took several bottles of vodka and a large amount of sick for him to come to this realisation. Then after his messy stage he’d sort of stooped into a dark place, snapping at everyone and moping around on his own. He’d only become passionate again when it came to the song writing and band practice. I didn’t even want to imagine what he might be like if he didn’t have this band as an outlet.

I jumped up next to him and he barely acknowledged I was there.

“Wanna talk about it?” I asked, staring across the field. There were a hundred tour buses parked next to one another and there was metal fencing everywhere. The grass had already been turned to hard mud. The air was hot. Each day had been hot and the sun always shining. I regretting not grabbing my hat before I’d followed after him.

“Not really,” he said after a moment. “There’s nothing to talk about is there?”

“There’s always something to talk about,” I said, sliding my hands together so my fingers interlinked, I leant forwards on my knees staring out across the yard.

“I want to go home,” he said after another long moment.

“No you don’-”

“Yes I do!” he sighed heavily. “This tour is utter shit, no one has a fucking clue who we are, we’re losing money, my band mates hates me and the most brutal song I’ve written about… her, has become our most successful.” He sank to put his head in his hands, rummaging his hands through his matted hair. He needed a shower but I didn’t say anything.

“This is the first time we’ve headed out to the states,” I said in a calm and rational voice. “We’re the small band some Surry building our way slowly. We need this tour to establish ourselves. I bet this time next year we’ll have a load more people paying attention.”

“I’m never coming back,” he muttered.

“You say now,” I said. “And your friends don’t hate you. You’ve just got to be careful, it has been a… while, and you’ve been doing really well, I just think the Finder Keepers news caught you off guard.”

I paused to measure his reaction. He just continued to stare at the dirt.

“And who gives a fuck? We have a song in the Top 40! You should be proud mate!”

He finally looked at me side wards, equally measuring me. His lips pressed together and he sat up.

“I am proud, don’t get me wrong, I just feel like my world’s crashing and something like that’s not going to surface me well enough,” his voice was getting thick. He coughed and turned away from me again.

“Josh, you’ve got all these negative feelings and we both know there’s only one way you can get your head straight.”

He sighed again but this was more of a groan.

“You’re right. I feel an album coming on.”

Finally they came on. Suddenly I was nervous. I was bouncing where I stood, my eyes fixed on the stage. The crowd went nuts, the lights lit up and I stood up on my tiptoes. They came on all together and a wave of nostalgia washed over me. I could smell a million memories and my stomach twisted as if experiencing a ton of emotions. I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe I had grown up. Maybe I could deal with this.

They opened with a new song and my heart sank. I was hoping for some old numbers I could handle, not new ones where I got to witness the aggression first hand. I could see Georgina glance at my nervously as if she’d forgotten they were going to play this and my entire body inflated with anxiety.

“You’re so good and you’re so bad,
and everybody wants to be your man.”

I did my best to keep my face neutral and buried my mouth behind my glass. Revenge song.

“You’re so good and you’re so bad
and everybody wants to be
in your hair and under your skin.” I frowned slightly. That was bollocks.

“and in those clothes,
and on those lips.” I snorted and everyone looked at me. I bit my lip guiltily. Harry was glaring slightly.

“But me.” I rolled my eyes. Of course.

“Kiss and tell, everybody else
and you’re at your best
when I’m making, making baby steps.”

Huh. There was no way he was referencing what happened between Harry and I the other night but he must have what… presumed it? And he was still suffering? I was praying this song was written a while ago.

“You make the rules up as you go
So I’ve gotta make some of my own.”

Okay, maybe our break up had been a bit sudden.

“You make the rules up as you go
so I’m gonna send your love home.” I shook my head slightly at the stage and sighed.

“What did you expect from me?
I said there’s so much more that you won’t see.”

Oh I wouldn’t be so sure.

“What did you expect from me?
I said I’m smarter than him you see.” My eyes widened before I winced. Ouch. Poor Harry.

“Kiss and tell, everybody else
and you’re at your best,
when I’m making, baby steps,
and I’m sick and tired of being the good guy.”

The good guy? I paused over that. Okay… Yes, Josh is a good guy.

“And I’ve done my time,
you should hit the back of the line.” So he was over me? This boy confused the fuck out of me. My brief anger passed.

“I know, you don’t need to tell me,” he repeated over and over again. Tell him? What? I didn’t say anything! I kept my distance. Maybe this was about the party where it was the last time we’d seen each other? At Emily’s?

Kiss and tell
Everybody else
and you’re at your best
when I’m making baby steps
and I’m sick and tired
of being the good guy,
And I’ve done my time,
you should hit the back of the line.”

The crowd went wild. I let out a long sigh as I processed over what I’d just heard. It was a… good song. Their poppiest yet but it was hard to ignore the subject matter. I suppose I should be used to it by now. I sipped my drink and stared at the ground. I could feel Harry, Alice and Georgina’s eyes trained on me.

It took until part way through the next song for me to finally look up and actually smile at the stage. Their bouncing enthusiasm was infectious as was the atmosphere in the tent. The crowd absolutely adored them and despite everything that had happened I felt so proud. They’d packed out a tent at Reading yet again and had such a loyal following. I looked around at the faces around us and each person was singing their hearts out to each word.

Their one but last song caught me by surprise. They completely toned down their set and Chris plucked that oh so soft and beautiful melody for ‘Always Attract’. My heart melted. They were still playing it. He still sang it.